Two Grim Dudes

The Elevator

The elevator in my building has the unfortunate characteristic of retaining various offensive odors in it for extended periods of time. A major problem is one of the security guards, who must douse himself in an Old Spice-esque cologne every morning because you can actually feel his eau de toilette hitting you like a kick in the face when he strolls down the hall into the office, or when you open the door to the men's room and he's inside. His scent is so potent and pervasive that one can tell, upon entering the elevator, that he used it. One can also estimate to a reasonable degree of accuracy the last time he was in there based upon how much the scent has dissipated. Now, don't get me wrong - he's a nice guy, always has a "Hey, buddy" for me, but he packs enough Middle-aged Man Scent to choke a dozen donkeys.

Some other unsavory aromas recently: garbage, bad food, B.O., lockerroom potpourri. Today the elevator smells like an armpit. All day it's smelled like this. Under what possible scenario could a stench like that remain in there all day long? Is it possible for someone to have such an intensely strong body odor that it would cling to the insides of the elevator for eight hours? And this is a short ride - there are only four floors ferfahk'ssake. Did a rugby team hang out in there post game? Did some fat guy waddle in there, sweating profusely, pull the stop button, sit down on the floor and start making his way through a black bean burrito? Is it a popular workout spot? Calisthenics on the floor? Bicep curls while staring in the mirrored walls? I mean, seriously, guys. Seriously. Fahkin' 'ell, jawn. I don't like having to hold my breath trying to enter or exit my floor.

In other news, it's Friday, and I'm absolutely shocked.

In far less important news, a certain Lopez is going to be skraight Hubbin' it this weekend. I guess I'd better cook up some frijoles con mishigas...